Things are Growing

It’s spring and things are growing. For me one of the first signs of spring is when the violet shows up: heart-shaped purple leaves, small delicate flowers, some deep purple, some lavender, some almost white. That’s my signal to open my eyes and keep watch, because soon green shoots will be everywhere and my gardening season will begin.

Nothing, and then suddenly everything. That’s how this website feels as well. It started out as just a simple idea, a way to start sharing a TTRPG I was working on, but once I let that idea take root, suddenly a dozen other ideas began putting tendrils down into that same soil. I should write down the stories I tell my kids. I should publish pieces of my long-dormant novella.

You see, I used to think I might have a creative career. I majored in creative writing, interned at various arts nonprofits, worked at the student newspaper covering entertainment, and generally thought something in that space is where I might be headed. But at the same time I was always technical, interested in computers and programming. In the midst of the ‘08 recession, when a technically focused opportunity fell in my lap, I jumped at it, happy for any job while the economy struggled.

For a while I kept up with my creative projects on the side. I continued editing the novella I wrote for my creative writing thesis in college, worked on other short stories here and there, but eventually it stopped being fun. My job was demanding, and coming home to focus on creative things felt like another chore. Plus I liked what I was doing, liked going deeper into software engineering, learning more, and wanted to spend my spare time doing that. But I kept forcing myself to write for a while, thinking maybe if I kept working on this novella I could publish it, and wouldn’t that be great!

But then I reread the introduction of Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, where she talks about what it really is like to be published and how it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. That the reward is writing itself. That’s not how I was feeling. Writing felt like just another chore.

And so I decided to stop. Not forever, just until it felt like writing was its own reward again. That turned out to be about 15 years, multiple jobs, and two kids later, which brings us to today.

Now writing feels like fun again. Making games feels like fun. But I still want to do something with what I’ve made, share it somehow, see if other people like it. And maybe too, I’m worried about the future of software and AI, so I figure I should start building up my backup plan. But mostly this is fun. Building the site to host this work (with help from AI, in a certain twist of irony and hypocrisy, I suppose), writing for it, planning my projects. It feels better than doomscrolling, watching TV, playing video games. So here I am, and here this site is, giving me a creative outlet for the first time in a decade and a half. I hope you like it.